More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
