Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
i've created a new STD.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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