Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
