I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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