sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
