I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
