I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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