im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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