if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
