her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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