Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
