I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
