Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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