I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
