You smell like a Billy Joel song
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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