Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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