we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
