You can't special order awesome
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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