roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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