wakey wakey hands off snakey
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
