Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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