Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
