i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
