omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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