Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We need to get me chipped asap
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
