Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
