Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
