i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Randomize
