you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
