How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
