upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
