Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
