I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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