You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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