walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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