woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
