watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
