worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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