just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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