We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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