I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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