well I can't set my house on fire every night
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
