New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
