i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
