I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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