I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
