I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
