FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You are the jesus of drinking
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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