I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
