Im at strip club and am horny
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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