I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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