I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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