Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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