he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
